Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades