My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
This is so me 😂😂
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
that de-escalated quickly
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets