I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Sponch
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?