Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.