I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”