Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this