[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme