She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
peak technology
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”