Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.