Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
crochet youtube is brutal
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit