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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
won’t smith
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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