*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.