Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.