walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.