I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You Might Also Like
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You had me at “define legal”.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm