Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Your secret is safeish with me
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.