Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.