You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.