me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.