You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
This anagram machine is out of order.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.