You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
💻🤡
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift