Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
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Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Only short people can save us
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.