2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.