[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”