Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
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JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Um … Hot Wings please
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My time has come.