I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.