Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*