Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Good morning, Twitter x
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
What is going on? 😅
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A