There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
You Might Also Like
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day