When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing