Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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This was the best day of my life
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery