nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me too
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.