The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
live long and prosper!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Who knew!
Florida be like…
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on