People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”