Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
who wants to go expliring
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.