Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
saving face 👀
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog