MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.