People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second