“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
how to market bottled water to dads
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down