Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
For the baby who has everything
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.