IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
dictator is short for richard potato
the clam before the storm
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school