Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I told my vodka about you.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
This sounds bad:
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell