You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
lot going on here, legally speaking.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I would like even faster food.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.