I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I have a black belt in leather
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
They also CAN sing✌️
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
bias laundering edition
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.