🙄😏😂🤣
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
😏😏😏
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
oh u like geography? name every lake