So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.