A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I am patiently waiting for your email
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous