I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics