I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.