Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?